When your child is having a hard time going to school, it can feel overwhelming for everyone involved. Psychologist Karen Young from online resource ‘Hey Sigmund’, suggests that school refusal is often an expression of anxiety, not defiance. Understanding this can help parents approach the situation with more empathy and find effective ways to support their child. 

How to support your child

Lead with empathy, not logic: Your child’s refusal to go to school may not be about laziness or a lack of motivation. It’s often an intense, genuine fear. The goal isn’t to talk them out of their feelings, but to acknowledge them. Phrases like, ‘I can see you’re really scared’ or ‘This feels very big for you right now’ can help them feel heard and understood.

Validate the feeling, separate the behavior: You can validate their anxiety (‘I hear that you’re worried about going to school’) while still maintaining an expectation that they need to attend. This can help prevent their fear becoming a way to avoid the situation, which can make the anxiety even worse over time.

Collaborate on a plan: Work with your child and the school to create a plan that feels manageable. This might mean starting with a partial day or having a designated ‘safe person’ they can check in with. Giving them a sense of control over the process can reduce their feelings of helplessness.

Focus on the ‘why’: Try to figure out the root cause of the anxiety. Is it social, academic, or something else? Young suggests that anxiety can present in different ways, so look for clues. Is your child avoiding a specific class, a group of friends, or a particular time of day? Finding the source is the first step towards finding a solution.

Reinforce the good: Make a big deal out of the small successes. Praise your child for getting ready in the morning, for making it to one class, or for simply talking to you about their feelings. Positive reinforcement helps build confidence and shows your child they are capable of overcoming this challenge.

Believe your child is loved and safe at school: What a parent says and believes sets the standard for how a child will feel and what they will believe about themselves. According to Karen Young, parents can ask themselves two questions: ‘Do I believe my child is safe and loved at school?’ and then, ‘Do I believe my child is capable of being at school?’  For more information on how to work through these questions please refer to: https://www.heysigmund.com/anxiety-driven-school-refusal/ 

Seek outside support: Don’t be afraid to reach out to professionals. A school counsellor, psychologist, or therapist can provide your child with tools to manage their anxiety and help them develop coping strategies. Early intervention is key to preventing a more serious problem from developing.

Resources
Hey Sigmund: an online resource supporting the mental wellness of children and adolescents
Fact sheet: Signs a child might be losing interest in school: a MAC parent resource